( water splashes )
( lilting melody played on acoustic guitar )
( violins join in )
( French horns playing )
( trumpets join in )
( solo guitar resolves melody )
( water gurgling )
( pastoral theme music begins )
( water gurgling )
( music soaring )
( music stops )
( espionage-flavored techno-pop intro )
( water gurgling )
( French horns playing melody over techno beat )
~ ~
( theme music ends )
Come on.
WOMAN: Central Security Agency.
This is Wallace.
Operation Big Drip is cresting Level To.
l need Devlin. l need him no.
WOMAN: Hold, please.
No, no, don't put me on hold!
-( dialing ) -Motherfu...
( groaning )
( whooshing )
( retching )
( gurgling )
WOMAN: Hello, Agent Wallace.
l need your nine-digit security code, please.
Hello? Agent Wallace?
Agent Wallace?
( phone beeps off )
Agua la vista... baby.
MAN: Hello, my name's Jimmy Tong
and l as ondering if there's anything l could say
that ould convince you to have lunch ith me.
MAN 2 ( imitating woman ): Oh, Jimmy, you're so cute.
Let's go back to your apartment
and make like... donkey.
You got me nervous again.
lt's just a salesgirl.
To you... but, to me...
l dream of her
before l ever sa her.
No, that there! That!
Shh.
That is the line.
Go tell her that. That line.
Listen.
Hi.
My name is Jimmy Tong.
When l see you, l have a et dream.
ls that hat l say?
No, no, you kno...
just ask her out to lunch no
and later, e ork out that line.
But hurry up, man. We be asting time, man.
Come on. We have to drive.
( anxious sighing )
And hatever you do, do not be yourself.
Just joking.
( sighs )
WOMAN: Thank you so much.
You're elcome. Good-bye.
( sighs )
l can do it.
Hi. My name's Jimmy Tong.
Okay...
( exhales )
Hi.
Pretty colors.
Will you excuse me for just one moment?
Okay.
( anxious sighing )
Ah...
Just beteen us guys...
you don't come around here for the art, do you?
Who ould?
Heh. Yeah.
Uh... let me, as oner of this gallery
give you a little bit of friendly advice.
Don't aste any time.
You go over there and you ask Jennifer out.
You think so?
Yes. That ay, she can say no
and e can get on ith our little lives.
Thank you for your advice.
Yeah.
Hello. My name Jimmy Tong.
What can l say to convince you to have lunch ith me?
( Loves Theme disco music playing )
( groaning )
Oh!
( groaning in pain )
l'm sorry. Are you hurt?
l'm terr... l didn't...
( growling )
( howling )
Come here, you little runt.
( gasping )
Hi. Hello.
( growling )
( woman screams )
( honking )
Get back here! Come here!
Where'd you go?
Where are you?
Sauer... sauerkraut or sauercrop?
Sauerkraut?
( roaring )
( clanks )
( grunting )
Hey... hey, hey!
Hey! l just ashed that car.
What the hell rong ith you, boy?
Want l jam this in your ass and break it?
You ant a go? Come don here.
Whoa, hoa, ait, oh. Not too fast.
-Not too fast. -( tire iron clanks )
Hey, l just ant to talk.
Eh, eh, you do that there, man. You do that.
Oh, you're scared no.
( clucking )
Just-just go and get yourself
some training heels!
Go get a tattoo of a chicken!
Go!
l thought all your people kno karate.
Not everybody Chinese is Bruce Lee.
Just calm yourself, eh, Jimmy, calm yourself.
Just not my day.
Whoo! Wo.
Do you think you can get me to 70 Fleming Street?
Of course. Wait a second.
( metallic thumping )
( blowing )
You Jimmy Tong?
That's ho l am.
Who are you?
The name is Steena.
So, ho come you drive so fast?
More fares.
Mmm. ls that hy you had you license
suspended nine times for speeding?
But no accidents.
Do you remember here l'm going?
70 Fleming.
Get me there before l finish putting on my makeup
and l'll, uh, double the meter.
You serious?
Do l look like l have a sense of humor?
Okay.
( engine roaring )
Hurry, open the gate!
Hey, Jimmy-- ho, ho, ho, ho!
( speaking Chinese ): LAZY ASS! OPEN THE GATES!
l'M ON MY COFFEE BREAK. SHUT UP, OLD MAN!
lT'S JlMMY, YOU FOOL!
DON'T RUN OVER THE CHlCKENS!
You drive too fast!
Oh, l got mad skills, l ill get ild
l got mad skills, l ill get ild
l ill get ild, l ill get ild
l got mad skills, l ill get ild
l ill get ild, l ill get ild...
Yeah, l got mascara and eyeliner left.
You got five blocks.
( sirens blaring )
( tires screeching )
( horns honking )
Don't tell me you're sloing don.
( honking continues )
You kno, you drive like an old oman.
Hmm.
You're not scared, are you?
( honking )
( tires screeching )
( horns honking )
( tires screeching )
( horns honking )
l got mad skills, l ill get ild
l ill get ild, l ill get ild.
( whistle blows )
Hey, you! What do you think you're doing?
Back off, buddy.
She's mine.
Oh, it's you, miss.
Well, you lived up to your reputation.
The job is yours.
l have a job. A good one.
Oh, yeah? Ho much do you make at this ''good job''?
$475 a eek, plus tips.
So ho ould you like to make $2,000 a eek
plus room and board?
When do l sho up?
Tomorro morning, 7:00 a.m.
You'll be driving Clark Devlin, Mr. Tong.
DOORMAN: Good day, miss.
No, you! Out of here!
( birds chirping )
STEENA: Good morning, Mr. Tong.
Huh.
You put your face on ithout me, huh?
Please have a seat.
Those are the house rules.
Memorize them.
Especially number one.
''Never talk directly to Mr. Devlin.''
lf you have any questions
you'll find all the ansers in there.
And, if l ere you, l'd get rid of the milde on the chin.
My soul patch?
Uh, yeah.
You like orking for this Devlin guy?
l don't ork for him.
( slow, techno-pop espionage theme playing )
( door shuts )
l'm not a professional driver, but l'd alays believed
that thing you're staring into is designed
for the monitoring of traffic, not passengers.
Am l rong?
While l'm really enjoying our time together
shall e try moving?
DEVLlN: Wallace has been my partner for years.
Somethings happened to him.
He wouldnt just disappear.
Now, you get yourjob done
and find my partner.
MAN ( on phone ): So tell me ho.
You're the head of an intelligence agency.
Why don't you be intelligent?
l don't understand hat you're talking about.
Well, hy don't you call me back
hen you do understand hat l'm talking about.
( disco music plays on speakers )
Did e just take the Balsam Road exit?
Of course.
You have to take the surface street.
Sorry.
Did you get a copy of the rules?
Did you read them?
Jimmy, let me tell you something, my friend...
l hate the rules.
Take Grant Boulevard all the ay.
The lights are timed.
Thank you.
( speaks Chinese )
And, Jimmy...
crank the music up.
Yes, sir.
( music blaring )
C.S.A. HEADQUARTERS
MAN: Deputy Director Chalmers, ladies, gentlemen
l present to you Special Agent Wallace.
Deceased to days, 14 hours, five minutes... approximately.
Pretty interesting.
No, hy don't you, uh, tell me a little about him?
Well, in simplest terms, he droned in his bathtub.
Contusion here suggests he hit his head
fell prone, unconscious.
The man infiltrated a Serbian death squad
ith not even a scratch.
He goes don in a bathtub?
Life's a bitch.
You ant to put him back in the fridge?
WOMAN: He didn't dron, sir.
He as murdered.
Does that make life a little less bitchy?
And-and you ould be?
That's Del Blaine, sir.
She's having a filter installed
beteen her brain and mouth next eek.
So you don't think he droned?
Well, sir, there as ater in his lungs
but the pulmonary vein
as filled ith collapsed platelets
indicative of dehydration.
He died of thirst.
Thirst.
And it asn't just city tap ater.
The mineral profile fit a high-end bottled ater
but hat as really eird is that
it contained a strain of bacteria that l, so far
haven't been able to culture.
Anyway, uh... didn't mean to interrupt.
Ooh, the oman seems to kno a lot about ater.
Yeah. She thinks she knos a lot about a lot of things.
You kno, e have a special situation in the field.
l think e could use your talents.
You interested?
When do l start?
You ever hear of Clark Devlin?
Rumors and innuendo.
Del, l could tell you a thing or to
about Clark Devlin.
Uh, you think e could keep our minds
out of the gutter for about a second?
Meet me upstairs in an hour.
CHALMERS: You might just become
Clark Devlins next partner.
DEVLlN: l'm going to need that Gerris marginalis
as soon as possible.
WOMAN: Yes. My contacts in Guatemala
have hat you're looking for, l'm sure.
Good.
And, meanhile...
l'll take one of these beautiful Uticella marginalis.
Just gorgeous.
( quiet chuckle )
No, you're going to call me?
ls your phone number on file?
l'm having a bit of trouble
ith the phones at the moment. lt might be better
if you dropped it off yourself.
lt may take a hile.
Well, hy don't you
familiarize yourself ith the route?
There's a little gathering at my house tonight--
a fund-raiser for the Natural History Museum.
l ould so love to have you.
( mouthing )
Should l send a car?
l drive myself.
Admirable.
Eight o'clock.
And, uh, be sure not to ear anything
too distracting, or no one ill get their checkbooks out.
Ho did you learn to be so smooth?
l've seen the ay you drive.
You have the same instincts l do.
You lack confidence.
The girl in the art gallery's not beyond you, you kno.
You kno about her?
Every time e leave the house
e go by the art gallery and slo don.
You just need a little polish.
( deep voice ): l'll never be a Clark Devlin.
Don't tell anyone this, Jimmy, but there's a lot less
to Clark Devlin than meets the eye.
l've got a couple of good lines
and a couple of very expensive suits.
Apart from that, e're exactly the same.
Ho about a couple hundred million?
Trust me... 90/ of it is clothes.
The other ten percent?
The other ten percent's in there.
You've got plenty of it.
Oh, Mr. Devlin, can l ask you a big favor?
Yeah?
Can l stop earing my hat?
All right.
Thank you.
No, just stay smooth. Remember-- smooth.
Thank you.
Steena, Devlin.
This driver, this Jimmy, l like him.
Let's get him a proper suit.
Something sexy. You pick it out.
All right.
Alays a delight talking to you, too, darling.
( phone beeps off )
Home, James.
Absolutely, Mr. Devlin.
( Argentine tango music plays )
~ ~
( tango ends )
Oh!
Oops.
Watch your step.
Thank you, sir.
( Jimmy humming )
( continues humming )
( humming stops )
Oh... This definitely not a rental.
Hello.
My name's Clark Devlin.
Would you like to dance?
( chuckles )
Admirable.
There is just one rule.
( gasps )
Never touch my tuxedo.
l didn't.
Good.
Don't.
Yes, sir.
Jimmy.
Get the car.
Let's go for dinner.
Yes, sir.
~ ~
What'll you have? lt's my treat.
Anything.
All right.
To Whoppers, hold the onion, extra ketchup.
Toast the bottom bun only, medium ell-done.
To large fries, extra ell-done.
To chocolate milkshakes, hoever the chef likes.
That's it.
Your order's ready. Pull forward.
That's pretty quick.
lt's fast food. Anything else?
DEVLlN: Yeah.
l'll have a personal pizza, crispy crust.
He doesn't eat out much.
They don't serve pizza at Burger...
Ne item, huh?
Do you have chicken cho mein?
Thank you.
-Jimmy? -Yes?
lt's a drive-through. Let's drive.
Watch out!
( tires squeal )
( beeping )
Watch it, man!
Sorry, pal.
Let's go.
~ ~
JlMMY: Why are e running aay
from a skateboard?
l think it's probably a bomb.
( chuckles )
l thought you said a bomb.
What do you mean, a bomb?
( horns honking )
( tires squealing )
~ ~
( tires squeal )
( tires squealing )
( horn honks )
( honking )
( screeching )
No good. Out!
Mr. Dev...
Move!
( beeping rapidly )
( glass shattering )
( flames crackling )
Jimmy, you okay?
l'm fine.
You okay, boss?
Yeah.
Yeah, all in a day's ork, eh?
Look.
Oh, damn.
Mr. Devlin.
You got any aspirin?
Who did this to you?
Water stri...
Walter Strider-- he's the one?
Wat... er... stri...
Walter... Walter Strider.
( dialing cell phone )
No... no police.
Okay. Uh...
l need an ambulance right no.
His name is...
Trust nobody.
Uh... his name is...
Brad Dillford.
Wear it.
Wear...
Boss! Boss!
( sirens approaching )
( bell dings )
Hold on, boss. You'll be fine.
Give me the clipboard.
l'll take care of you.
Wa...
stri...
-Huh? -Sir!
Oh!
Please ait in the aiting room.
Okay.
l ill find Walter Strider.
Hey! Hey!
Huh? l'm sorry.
l promise.
( speaking Chinese )
MAN: What do you ant
my mother's maiden name for?
Last time she as in here, l as born.
l'm sure my dad had something to do ith it
at least l hope so.
WOMAN ( singsongy ): Dr. Angela.
Where is Dr. Angelo?
Dr. Angelo.
Are you Dr. Angela?
Dr. Angela.
Dr. Ang... ela.
Hey!
There's no smoking in a hospital.
l as nervous. Ho is he?
He might be here a hile.
You might ant to get him
some things from home in case he comes to.
Oh.
He had this clutched in his hand.
l don't kno if it means anything.
WOMAN ( on P.A. ): Orderly ith heels
to the front desk.
l do need Dr. Angelo.
Dr. Angelo.
Dr. Angelo is on holiday today.
-Oh, my God. -Yeah.
( seagulls calling )
BANNlNG, lNC., FLOATlNG HEADQUARTERS
MAN: l'll tell you, l'm pretty excited.
l mean, nervous, but l'm excited.
l'm pumped, you kno.
l kne l as doing good ork for Banning lnternational
but l didn't kno Mr. Banning
ould be taking so much notice of me so soon.
l'll say this, though, hen l'm CEO of this place
l on't be having my headquarters
in the bottom of a boat, you kno hat l mean?
MAN 2: Why did you choose Mr. Lundeen?
He questioned my growth projections.
( clanking )
No, that's not it.
l don't like his hair.
Mr. Banning.
So, ord filtered don to me
that you don't share my optimism about our company's future.
Oh, no.
Actually, l just...
Drink?
Oh, yes, thank you.
l just felt that to meet
your projections, pretty much every person on Earth
ould have to drink only Banning Springs ater.
Yes, indeed.
Water, Mr. Lundeen, comprises 60/ of your body.
Don't you find it incredible
that to hydrogen atoms and an oxygen atom can combine
to create something so beautiful
so useful, so essential?
l find ater to be
miraculous.
Do you think l'm silly?
Not at all.
( clears throat )
Feeling thirsty?
Yes.
BANNlNG: You're helping me out by being a guinea pig
for a ne product.
Oh, l see.
What a brilliant idea.
Water that makes you thirsty.
What's in it?
Salt?
There's no profundity in salt.
( chuckles )
Bacteria.
Once ingested
its DNA ill instruct your cells' cytoplasm
to spill electrolytes into your bloodstream
causing dehydration.
( groaning )
lt's virulent
but, unfortunately, it's too fast.
Way too fast.
As e speak, your internal organs are shriveling.
You're becoming as dry as...
Well, as dry as your limited imagination.
Gentlemen, fetch the vacuum, on't you?
Thank you.
Schiffer, Schartzkopf, Sondheim, Springsteen...
No Strider.
( sighs )
~ ~
( beeping )
~ ~
Wo.
( beeps )
( electrical zapping )
~ ~
TUX: Welcome to the Tactical Uniform Experiment.
Tuxedo recognizing ne user.
Mapping user's neurological structure.
Activate ristatch for desired function.
JlMMY: Demo...
Okay, sho me.
( beeps )
Uh-oh.
TUX: Caution-- demolition mode.
The Tuxedo ill consider
any object a target and act to destroy it.
( gasps )
~ ~
Oh, hat's happening?
( clangs )
~ ~
TUX: Exit the demolition mode immediately.
( crashing )
( whimpers )
Burn, baby, burn
Disco inferno
Burn, baby, burn
Burn the mother don
Burn, baby, burn...
( beeping )
( frightened whimpering )
( beep )
MAN: Mr. Devlin, is everything all right?
This is Jimmy.
l think Mr. Devlin ants you to clean his room tomorro.
lt's a little bit messy.
l think he thre the party.
Should l send someone up no?
No. Maybe after he leaves.
Very good.
( phone ringing )
Hmm?
( yells )
( groans )
( phone ringing )
Hello?
Are e on?
Are e on hat?
C.S.A. OPERATlONS
l take my ork seriously, Mr. Devlin, so please stop using
that ridiculous accent.
What?
What accent?
All right.
You're the senior officer.
l'll play it hoever you ant.
Deitrich Banning is holding a meeting ith ater CEOs.
The Agency ants us to find out hat he's planning.
Wh-What about Walter Strider?
Who is he?
l don't kno. You tell me.
Okay.
So, e ill meet tomorro. V-15, 10:00.
l'll be earing a gray suit.
Your code is ''nice rack.''
( cackling )
l'll respond
''l forgot my bra.''
That passes
for humor around here.
JlMMY: 10:00, V-15.
What's the cross street?
Very funny.
( laughter continues )
( clears throat )
May l join you?
Uh, yeah.
Nice rack.
( heavy blow landing )
( phone ringing )
Hello.
Mr. Devlin, there's been a change of plans.
But l'm here already. Where are you?
Don't get all pissy about it.
They just told me, so l'm telling you.
We'll meet tonight
8:00, Pier 1 7, base of the silo and...
forget the passord.
Oh, no you tell me.
Oh, hey, there he is. Oh, my God, that's him.
l got to go.
Guy in the raincoat. Get him!
l see you tonight. Sorry.
OFFlCER: Stop!
WOMAN: Get back here, you creep!
( espionage theme playing )
( sighs )
So, e've got five minutes to get into position.
l secured the rooftop.
The equipment's good to go
and l just have to say
it is such an honor to be orking ith the legendary...
Clark Devlin?
l'm Del Blaine.
Have e met before?
No.
Good.
Okay, Del Blaine, let's do hat e've come here to do.
l'll follo you.
Ladies first.
Okay.
A couple of details changed from hat as in the file.
You read it?
The files are crap.
Give me the short version.
Deitrich Banning's holding a meeting
of international ater company CEOs.
We think he's trying to force them
into selling their companies to him.
Where are you going?
Huh?
l'm thinking.
We had Agent Wallace orking undercover
at his bottled ater factory.
That is, until last eek.
Wallace calls us on his cell phone
to tell us that the operation had reached critical mass
and, suddenly, ham! Dead.
( espionage theme crescendos )
As you requested, a Klineholtz bolt-action nine-millimeter
titanium folding stock ith 20-time infrared sniper-scope
and counterweighted micro-rifled barrel.
My favorite gun.
But l don't kill people anymore.
Killing?
You're planting a bug.
lt as all in that ''crap'' file.
Go look through your binoculars.
( beeping )
~ ~
They're arriving.
Ready?
lt's critical e get a listening device
in Banning's meeting.
Range-- 962 feet.
Aim for the briefcase.
Should be a piece of cake for you, sir.
( yelling )
( foghorn blowing )
You kind of missed.
( ricochet )
( foreboding music plays )
( metallic clunk )
BANNlNG: ln the year 2001 , $35 billion orth of bottled ater
as consumed orldide.
Today, bottled ater costs more per gallon than gasoline.
We, my friends, are the ne oil barons.
BANNlNG ( through headset ): We at Banning Springs
have developed a ne filtration process
that ould protect your assets
against the biological holocaust that's coming.
Looks like e got company.
CSA ould be my bet.
You've heard hat l have to say.
No l'd like to hear you.
Ho much is this plan going to cost us?
lt on't cost you a penny, out of pocket.
All l ask is to become
your slightly-more- than-equal partner.
DEL: Banning says he's got the only process
to make their ater safe.
But to use it, they've got to give him
half of their companies?
He's trying to muscle these guys
into selling their companies to him.
Banning says that their ater sources are in danger.
Something about everyone being defenseless
against more deadly forms of bacteria.
l can barely make out hat he's saying.
Do you ant to listen to this?
What do you think that means, sir?
Del Blaine!
Yeah, l'll be there in a minute.
Yeah, l'd really like some help up here, sir.
Del Blaine!
DEL: Do you hear me, sir?
l kno this is not near as exciting
as most of your missions, but could you humor me
ith just a little professionalism?
l ould really love some help...
What are you doing?
( grunting )
What's ith the jumpy-jumpy?
Take off your headphones!
-What? -Your headphones!
( grunting )
( panting ): Okay, Chapter Six of the training manual.
Unarmed assailant-- frontal attack.
Begin!
Stomach, head! Stomach, head!
-( whimpers ) -( growls )
( grunting )
( yells )
God!
What's my name?!
Yeah!
( grunting )
You okay?
( grunting )
Oh! Where the hell have you been?!
( grunts )
DEL: Stop pushing!
Aah, my hand!
Whoa!
( high-pitched karate yell )
( grunting )
Yeah! Not bad.
Sir?!
Sir, are you okay, sir?
( both grunting )
( shrieks )
Don't let go! Don't!
No, no, no, let go!
( shrieking )
( grunting )
You're-you're-you're ripping...
my sl-sleeve! You-you...
( shrieks )
No, no. No, not, not my...
( screaming )
Sir!
My ring.
( screaming )
( metallic clang )
( gasping ): Oh, my God!
Oh, my... Oh!
( up-tempo espionage theme plays )
This as not... part of the plan.
( grunts )
Del Blaine?
Del...
( footsteps clattering )
( mouthing )
( espionage theme plays )
~ ~
( beeps )
Confidence.
( espionage theme plays )
Del...
( light stand creaks )
( mouthing )
( up-tempo music plays )
( clanging )
( grunting )
( hollow thud )
( groans )
( grunts )
( panting )
Nice of you, moron.
Not in the manual.
( disgusted grunt )
Creep!
( tires squealing )
( engine revving )
( espionage theme crescendos )
Del Blaine! Stop!
( shrieks )
Get off of me!
( both gasping )
Why didn't you stop?
God, hat the hell is rong ith you?!
Ho do you... fall off a building
and end up... uh...
-You okay? -( panting )
( rhythmic breathing )
Would you stop that?
JlMMY: lt's okay.
l am in the car ith a psychopath.
We are not safe.
Are you upset?
Why ould l be upset?
l've alays anted to begin and end my career
ith a big fat failure!
Thank you very much, Mr. Devlin.
lt's my first time.
l mean... every mission is like my first time.
lt's so difficult being Clark Devlin.
Oh.
Sorry.
( electrical crackling )
( Blaine shrieks )
Aah!
( coughing )
l didn't do that.
What...
i-is rong ith you?!
l'm not ho you think l am.
Stay aay!
l'm a little over-amped myself right no.
Let's just call it a day.
Get some rest and medication.
What?
We'll be in communication.
Oh.
( engine starts )
l don't have your phone number!
( tires screech )
C.S.A. TARGET RANGE
DEL: Who am l kidding?
l have no idea hat l'm doing
or hy l'm doing it.
STEENA: l felt the same ay
hen l took my first field assignment.
Then l met Clark Devlin
and life just got a hole lot better...
and a little more complicated.
MAN: Let's, uh, can e get a close-- can e...?
MAN 2: Ho do e pan don...
Yeah. Just hit the second button there.
DEL: Everybody arned me, he as unorthodox
but he's ay irrational, bordering on nutso.
We'll just get, uh... That's it.
There, yeah. That's it, there.
Look at that.
Move it over, over just a bit.
He's getting under your skin, isn't he?
He got under my skin once
and l'm still feeling it.
Yeah, you told me.
What about his English?
Oh, l can never understand half of hat he says
but don't you just love his accent?
She can't hear anything from here...?
No, l don't think... Whoa!
God, l ish l as still back in the field.
( cocks rifle, exhales )
Ho do you like me no?
( bullet casings clattering )
She's got issues, man.
Holy...
Can your, uh, can your
girlfriend shoot, uh...
A groin out of a target?
STEENA: Let's go.
Let's get our nails done.
Okay.
STEENA: Have a nice day, boys.
WOMAN ( singsongy, over P.A. ): Dr. Angelo, Dr. Angelo...
They ran out of ''Get ell soon.''
You said to ear this, but l don't kno.
Being Clark Devlin is not easy.
( ringing )
Hello.
BLAlNE: So, Mr. Devlin
ho are you feeling today?
Not so good, l'm afraid.
Well, you've got a fe hours
to pull yourself together.
What do you mean?
After the fiasco of planting the bug
l'd say e have only one choice:
Level One surveillance.
ln other ords...
lnfiltration.
Banning's going to be at the Lanford Hotel tonight
entertaining three of his ne partners.
Chalmers has agreed to... get us at the next table.
ls this a black-tie event?
No. But l'm sure you'll ear hatever you ant.
Maybe e can find Walter Strider.
Meet you there at 8:00.
( muffled ): Water... strider...
What?
Water...
Mr. Clark Devlin.
( muffled ): Stri... der...
What are you doing?
-Huh? -( groans )
Uh, he needs help.
Security! Security!
( soulful orchestral intro )
At last
My love has come along
My lonely days are over...
Del Blaine.
Hey.
l kno ho partial you are to that monkey suit of yours
so l got gussied up.
Good job. You gussy very ell.
Oh, and here's a little something for you.
Hmm?
Oh.
Thank you.
Sorry, l don't have anything for you.
lt's a video camera.
Shh. Act normal.
We don't ant everybody to kno.
Sorry.
Good evening.
Uh, name, please.
Name?
Um...
Lincoln.
( chuckling )
Washington.
( chuckling )
Washington.
You're a billionaire
and you try to grease the guy ith seven bucks?
You think l have money to thro aay?
You on the list?
( sighing ): Perfect.
Let me talk to him.
No. You kno hat, e'll do this my ay.
l've got a T-135 disorientation module.
You just stand there.
Hi. Could you... hold this for me?
A, thanks.
No, here did l put those tickets?
What's happening, Snoman?
What's happening?
What's happening, Snoman?
Hey... hat's happening?
( music plays in distance )
( whispering ): Oh, hey.
l can't believe it.
James Bron.
The Godfather of Soul.
-What's happening? -Hello.
Mr. Bron.
Forgive us for bothering you.
We came to see your sho and...
Yeah, she forgot to make reservations.
Don't orry about it.
l can get tickets for the front ro for you.
Oh, thank you very much, Mr. Bron.
See? The things ork out.
There's one more thing l'd like to say, um...
lt's not the in thing today
to give compliments to a young lady
but l just got to let you kno that...
you got a nice rack.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Bron.
Enjoy the sho.
( shouts and grunts )
-What... -( gasps )
is rong ith you?!
He f-fell don by himself.
You killed James Bron.
No, he's fine.
He's not fine.
And Banning is going to leave.
Don't panic.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Are you... praying?
Miss Cleo told me this ould happen.
$4.99-a-minute Miss Cleo?
Just go out and tell them
Mr. Bron is not here.
There ill be another act.
Nice to meet you.
ANNOUNCER: And right about no, it is style time!
( audience whooping )
lf you ill, ladies and gentlemen
introducing the hardest-orking man in sho business
ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Dynamite...
James Bron!
( drumroll )
( cheering and whistling )
( drumroll ends )
Uh, l-ladies and gentleman...
MAN: What's going on?!
Mr. James Bron ill not be appearing tonight...
( audience groaning )
due to unforeseen circumstances
but stay right here you are
because the Lanford Hotel is really proud to present
the Last Emperor of Soul.
And, um, ell, here he is.
( audience jeering )
Hi.
Hi, everybody. Good evening.
( nervous laughter )
Ho are you tonight?!
MAN: Go home!
( audience jeering and booing )
Who ants to get funky tonight?!
Go ahead and make it funky.
Yeah.
( band plays up-tempo rock intro )
( in James Browns voice ): Get up!
CHORUS: Get on up
Get on up, y'all
Get on up
-Get on up -Get on up
Gonna get-get-get-get-get on up
Get on up
Stay on the scene
Get on up
Like a sex machine
Get-get-get-get get on up
Get on up
Gonna get-get-get-get get on up
Get on up
Stay on the scene
Get-get-get-get get on up
Get on up
Like a sex machine
Gonna get-get-get-get get on up
Get on up
Wait a minute!
Shake your arm, then use your form
Stay on the scene
Like a sex machine
You got to have the feeling
Sure as you're born
Get it together
-Right on, right on -Right on, right on
( musical interlude )
( audience cheers )
( woman shrieks )
~ ~
( applause )
~ ~
( audience cheering, whistling )
~ ~
( shrieks )
Oh!
~ ~
Ooh.
~ ~
( audience whistling )
( cheering and whistling )
( audience cheering, music playing )
Good God!
So, you had fun up there.
( derisive groan )
l as blending; that's hat agents do.
Would you please stop?
l'd like to get to Banning's table before morning.
Whoa! Hey, slut, thanks.
l hate celebrities ho brush off their fans.
Banning's girlfriend has been drinking.
Okay, she might be able to tell-- Clark!
Yes.
Stop.
Get on the scene, Sex Machine.
( light applause )
MAN: Great job, man.
Hi.
Hi. Good evening.
Hello.
Well, e're all
vaguely honored you could join us, l suppose.
Singing is my favorite type of music.
Oh, admirable.
BANNlNG: Regrettably, this is
my vacuous fiancee.
l think her name is Cheryl
something.
Oh, charmed.
l could look at you all day.
( giggles )
Do you ever dance unprofessionally...
Emperor?
Let's see hat l can do.
( giggles )
Oh, excuse us.
Of course.
( band plays mambo )
Do you kno ho to mambo?
l hope so.
( beeping )
Whoo!
( giggling )
( sultry saxophone plays )
Hmm... '92 Dasani.
Gentle bouquet ith a hint of vinyl polychloride.
Earthy yet... ethereal.
Cheers.
( water splashes )
Oops.
l spilled.
JlMMY: You and Banning seem very close.
Tell me about his ork.
l don't ant to talk about him.
l ant to talk about you.
You're such a handsome devil.
So are you.
When l can't sleep at night, hich is quite often
l step into my laboratory and l play.
lt's not ork, you see.
lt's glorious
et... play.
Well, maybe l can come over and play.
That ould be very nice.
The thing is, l, uh...
l have a small problem... trusting people.
l don't kno if l can trust myself ith you, Deitrich.
Well, maybe e can come up
ith a ay for you to pro...
Her name's Del Blaine. She's CSA.
Oh, bloody hell.
He drives a BMW, registered to Clark Devlin.
You told me you dealt ith Devlin
ith the skateboard bomb.
Yeah, ell, he looks pretty alive to me.
Pretty good dancer. He's all over Cheryl.
You ant me to do something about that?
No.
Maybe the rancid tart
might actually be of some use for once.
Get the boys, ould you?
Whoo! l am so bushed.
l'm sorry, you'll have to excuse me.
Unfortunate interruptus.
So, my long streak of love, here is the key
to the hospitality suite
should you feel the need to spend the night.
Good-bye.
Well, l think l'll just go up
to room 7-2-- excuse me-- 6-8
and take a long, hot bath
in room 7-2-6-8.
Good night.
( chuckles )
And once again, e end up ith nothing.
l can get her to talk.
And say hat?
( ditzy voice ): Oh, Emperor, ould you sign my bra?
Oops, l'm not earing one.
( giggles )
What is it ith you and bras?
She has information.
Oh, right, and that's hy you have to go up to her hotel room.
You have never seen my ork.
This is hat Clark Devlin does best.
Can l go home?
No, you have to cover me.
With hat, a shot of penicillin?
Huh?
Fine.
l'll be aiting by the pool.
Oh, ait.
What's her room number again?
( ditzy voice ): 7-2-6-8.
7-2-6-8. 7-2-6-8.
7-2-6-8.
( amplified, slow motion footsteps echoing )
~ ~
( Youll Never Find Another Love Like Mine begins )
Yoo-hoo!
Cheryl!
CHERYL: Hey, you little devil.
You'll never find...
What kind of bubbles do you like?
Little...
As long as you live
...or big?!
( clattering )
Someone ho loves you
Hang it for me, ill you?
Tender like l do
Whoa, l'm not bragging on myself...
So...
l kno you can dance, but...
hat else can you do?
Get on the bed.
l'll sho you.
( giggling )
Oh!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...
( beeping )
Okay, Mr. Devlin, let's see your magic.
( Cheryl moaning erotically )
Oh, my God, your hands are like a machine.
Oh, l am never orking ith him again.
So, tell me about Deitrich's good friend, Walter Strider.
( bones cracking )
Oh! Never heard of him...
but l kno Dry Martini.
Maybe someone should mix us a couple.
Y-O-U spells ''you.''
( giggles softly )
( chuckles )
Oh.
You're smart.
Really?
And a good speller.
( giggling )
Thanks. l graduated top to-thirds
of my sixth grade class.
~ ~
But l kno someho, some ay...
What a gentleman.
Some ay, you are...
You're gonna miss my lovin'...
Look, it's Cocktail Barbie.
Take your clothes off and stay a hile.
l-l like my clothes on.
Kinky boy.
Wh-Wh...?
Where did you get that pin?
Oh. Deitrich.
Want to have a closer look?
Huh?
( giggling )
l'm sorry.
Look at the time. l got to go.
Oh, Emperor.
( yelling )
( shrieking )
Where are you going?
JlMMY: What are you doing?
Oh, Emperor.
( both shrieking )
Oh, here are you going
you naughty boy?
l adore romance hen it's rough.
Whoo!
( grunting )
( whirring )
( slapping )
( gasping )
( yells )
( angry grunt )
Get back here!
You're dead meat!
Come on!
( grunting )
( screaming )
( panting )
Take a bath.
Oh, yes, because l've been a dirty, dirty girl.
( loud smooch )
( gasping )
Go fill the tub.
Do you like it ith bubbles?
Hot bubbles.
( shrieking ): Oh, yippee!
Yippee!
( shrieking )
CHERYL: Tiny bubbles in my ine...
Makes me feel fine
Come on, her voice reminds me of my mother.
( thud )
CHERYL: ls that room service?
( gasping )
( grunting )
( beeping )
( grunting )
( groans )
What's happening?
CHERYL: What's going on under those cute little boxers of yours?
( grunting )
~ ~
CHERYL: Emperor, the bubbles are perfect.
CHERYL: Come to mama, Emperor!
Coming!
( grunting and groaning )
O!
( whimpers )
DEL: Help!
( screaming )
( whirring and beeping )
Say good night... agent!
Del Blaine. Del Blaine.
( gasping )
( man screaming )
( whirring and beeping )
Sorry.
CHERYL: Emperor...
This is not hat l signed up for!
l need my bathroom bud.
Shh. She's in there taking a bath.
What happened to your nose?
( yelping )
( gasping and yelping )
Sorry!
Honeymooners.
Yes, some things never change.
Emperor!
Emperor, come back!
Please!
( soft grunt )
Oh...
Go! Get going.
Ouch!
Can't you do anything?
Why are you so mad?
Gee, let me think.
Because big, ugly men are trying to kill me?
Because l got stuck
ith a millionaire playboy dilettante for a partner?
You don't care ho you make people feel.
l happen to be
an extremely sensitive person.
O!
Okay, you think you kno feelings.
Look at me.
Ho do l feel?
Sick.
Sad.
What about no?
Constipated.
Creepy.
Horny.
( exaggerated laughter ): ls funny.
( exaggerated yelling ): ls angry.
( exaggerated scream ): ls crazy.
You kno nothing.
This is hy you don't have a boyfriend.
No onder you didn't get anything from Banning.
Oh... right, l didn't get anything from Banning
except here his friggin' lab is.
Where?
Let's see if the great master ''agent'' can figure it out.
Banning said he sometimes has trouble sleeping.
Big secret.
All men have trouble sleeping.
Sometimes at night, he goes don and orks in his lab.
He sleeps in his lab?
He sleeps in his bedroom.
His lab's in his bedroom?
No.
Get your facts straight.
His lab is at his house--
his casa, here he lives-- get it?
Excellent.
You passed the test.
l put in a good ord ith the boss.
Well, let's go see Chalmers tonight.
No.
Keep him out of this.
Just you and me.
You kno, if you're so good at this
hy-hy don't you tell me something about me?
Okay.
You have big crush on me
and l kno your name is Del Blaine.
First of all, you ish, and...
my real name is Delilah.
Delilah?
Suits you.
Hey...
Hmm?
( Jimmy grunting )
Ooh!
( laughing ): Oh!
( shrieking ): Oh... oh, Emperor!
JlMMY: Hey!
Oh, God, Clark, isn't anything sacred?
Oh, rug burns are so sexy!
lt's the driver.
Oh, my God.
( Cheryl laughing )
( techno-pop dance music plays )
Thank you.
lnvitations?
Oh, yes.
Why don't you offer him five bucks?
l have them somehere.
Birds of a feather...
Nice party, huh?
So, you're the strong, silent type, huh?
That's the hole bouncer package.
( whirring and beeping )
l didn't mean your package.
Thank you...
Dr. Schartz.
Shalom.
Come, darling.
Product launch, my ass.
Let's go find Banning's lab.
( techno dance music blaring )
~ ~
Let's go.
~ ~
( gate squeaking )
Are you trying to get me alone?
Where'd they go?
Don't tell me the great Clark Devlin
can't come up ith an anser.
( water splashing )
Although
he can alk on ater.
lt's a trick, right?
( machinery grinding )
Come on.
~ ~
Wo!
Mr. Devlin likes insects, too.
What?
Oh, uh, uh, l mean
sometime l speak of myself in the third person.
Hmm, Del Blaine thinks you're a freak.
MAN: Have you cleaned the tanks?
( indistinct voices )
JlMMY: What are they doing don there?
DEL: l don't kno.
MAN: When you're done here
you can go and seep the tunnels.
Don't use the bloer!
l can tell the difference.
And don't touch the tequila for me and Mr. Banning.
Whatever you say there, Dr. Simms.
Yes, Dr. Simms.
Louder!
BOTH: Yes, Dr. Simms.
We better hope the little ones follo the queen.
Well, if they don't
the stock is going to be orthless.
''Follo the queen''?
Huh? Have you seen Cheryl?
Maybe he's gay.
Cheryl? No.
WORKER: Man, let's get out of here.
Let's go have a smoke.
lt still stinks.
Hey.
Ho did you...?
Whatever.
JlMMY: Look at this.
( air hissing )
He's pinpointed the national reservoirs.
He's going to poison the ater?
Not ith that stuff.
lt's too detectable
and there's government safeguards.
Let's check out the computer.
No you're thinking.
( whirring and beeping )
Who are they?
They shouldn't be in the lab.
Let's go.
Oh, my God.
Oh, your God hat?
DNA recombinant microbes
carrying a T-4 genome.
English.
Genetically induced hydrogen-oxygen barrier.
Normal person's English.
DEL: Dehydrating water.
Drink it, youll shrivel up and die
but the big question is, ho is he possibly
going to introduce it into the ater supply?
( door opening )
l think e better go.
Huh?
Go.
( typing on keyboard )
( computer beeps )
Quick, over there by the all.
( sensor beeping )
Nobody here.
Let's check the hatchery.
( beeping continues )
DEL: You're on my foot.
( electrical crackling )
What as that about?
Shh! Go!
Ho did they miss us?
What, are they blind?
Don't look up my skirt.
( Set Adrift on Memory Bliss playing )
Set adrift on memory bliss of you
The camera pans the cocktail glass
Behind a blind of plastic plants
l found the lady ith the fat diamond ring
Then you kno l can't remember a damn thing
l think it's one...
Banning's got the bacteria
but he has to transport it from his lab to the ater.
There's no ay he can.
Maybe ith airplanes.
Not possible.
Besides, even if he could get it to a reservoir undetected
an alarm ould trigger
the second the surface of the ater's broken.
You're really smart.
lt's an act.
l'm an inexperienced girl
ho's trying to bluff her ay through.
You are?
Come on, stop humoring me.
Just be honest.
...assuming that there are some out there...
Honest?
All right.
You think l'm the great Clark Devlin.
( phone ringing )
...gonna say l look lovely...
Yeah, hello?
Steena, l can't talk right no.
...l can't lie
She's just one of those corners in my mind
And l just put her right back...
Yeah.
Yeah, l can handle it.
~ ~
Bad nes?
Can e go somehere and be... alone?
Sure.
l didn't kno you ere so strong.
Take off your clothes.
Let's not do anything e'll regret.
Take off your clothes.
What's happening?
Look, l kne the second l met you
you eren't Clark Devlin.
No take off the tuxedo. lt doesn't belong to you.
l anted to tell you, but l just didn't kno ho.
Take off your clothes.
( toilet flushing )
What is that?
Hey!
Whoa!
You, out here!
Okay.
Take the clothes.
Okay.
Slo don.
My name is Jimmy Tong.
l'm Mr. Devlin's driver.
He asked me to find Walter Strider.
l don't ant to hear
any more of your lies.
No, give me the atch and the shoes.
No, here's Clark Devlin and ho did you think
you ere going to get aay ith this?
Things happened.
l decided to go ith the flo.
What about the underwear?
They're mine.
l-l mean, my roommate.
Jimmy.
Suits you.
( door opens, closes )
These are my roommate's, too.
Go finish your business.
( belt buckle clanking )
( dance music blaring )
Have you seen the Emperor?
No.
lmpolite to leave
ithout saying good-bye to the host.
l as just looking for Deitrich.
l'll take you to him, then.
( grunting )
Like a big terrier ith a little rat.
l think she as don in the lab.
Well, at least your interest in ater as genuine.
Look, l'm here because of you.
You anted to kno if l could be trusted?
l bet this tux is just your size.
Thank you.
( beeping )
( whirring and beeping )
We got a positive location on Blaine, sir.
CHALMERS ( over headset ): Ho long till e get to her?
20 minutes.
l've transmitted the coordinates.
JlMMY: Dear Mr. Devlin
l did the best l could, but it wasnt good enough.
l did not find Walter Strider for you.
l also lost your tuxedo.
lm sure you will get it back.
l guess l will go back to being what l was before l met you.
Oh!
~ ~
Water Strider.
Water strider.
Water strider!
Stupid!
BANNlNG: My beautiful little darlings.
DEL: Gerris maginatus.
Species native to Southeast Asia.
Commonly knon as the ater strider.
( quietly ): Walter Strider.
Yes, the ater strider.
Very good. Very good.
Well, it's brilliant.
They touch don on the reservoirs.
Their little feet transfer a deadly bacteria
ithout breaking the surface of the ater
so no alarms sound, and it looks like
a nasty little trick of nature.
Fortunately
there is one drinkable ater source.
( gasps )
Yours.
( giggles maniacally )
Deitrich, you're a genius.
Too bad it on't ork.
Oh... you so rong.
Wrong! Wrong! Wrong.
lt ill ork because my plan is perfect.
Sorry, Mr. Banning, it's your plan... and mine.
Um... it's ours.
Shut up. Explain.
Oh, all righty.
The life cycle of the Gerris maginatus
begins ith mating--
something Dr. Simms is not personally familiar ith.
Anyhoo, the insects sarm
to freshater
here fertilized eggs are then deposited on the underside
of lotus leaves and hatch into larvae.
Spare me the Discovery Channel blather.
( chuckles )
Tell me hy it on't ork.
Yes, tell us.
Why it on't ork?
This is the northern hemisphere, correct?
You incubated insects native to the southern hemisphere.
So, simply, it is too cold for them to mature sexually--
much like Simms here.
Therefore...
they on't mate.
Therefore, they on't seek out ater.
ls this true?
No, l kne a girl once, in college, quite ell.
Very ell.
And then you remember cousin Doris?
No, Simms, the bugs.
The bugs.
Oh, you're not going to believe this hootchie
are you, Mr. Banning?
Oh, yeah?
Ask him if l lied about the tuxedo.
This tuxedo is... it's all right. lt's...
''All right''?
That is the most incredible piece of technology
on the planet.
And l am laying it in your big, hot hands.
Mr. Banning, release the bugs.
Go ahead.
Do hat he tells you.
You might have a chance at second prize
at a junior high school science fair
but you can forget your dreams of orld domination.
Slip into it, Deitrich.
See ho it feels.
~ ~
DEVLlN: The other ten percents in there.
Youve got plenty of it.
Hey, Dr. Schartz.
Tell your boss Clark Devlin is back.
( guns cocking )
( electronic crackling )
Drapes nicely.
( beeping )
~ ~
Well, it certainly puts a spring in one's step.
Happy to have lightened your loafers, Deitrich.
One question.
Why are you doing this?
( alarms blaring )
Hey, hat the hell is this?
This is the moment here 50 CSA commandos storm in
take you, your pretentious accent
your jackass sideburns
to the Federal pen here, guess hat?
All they serve is highly chlorinated tap ater.
Presenting Clark Devlin.
( grunts )
Have l told you ho amazing you look in this tuxedo?
( groans )
Simms, prepare for release.
With pleasure, sir.
COMPUTER VOlCE: Hatchery doors opening.
Water sources targeted.
Pods ill begin releasing striders in five minutes.
( sticky squishing )
( beeping )
Maturation level: 85/.
( groans )
Why are you here?
l've come to save you.
That's great.
What about the big guys ith the big guns?
( gasps )
( grunts )
For years, l've heard about you.
No e finally meet, l find that the great Clark Devlin
is nothing more than an ordinary man
ho's about to die an extraordinary death.
You're right
except for one thing.
My name's Tong.
James Tong.
( grunting )
( yells )
( muffled yells )
You okay?
Uh, Jimmy, is there
something you ant to tell me?
Later.
( electrical rumbling )
Oh, you've got a good suit as ell.
( theme plays )
( grunts )
( yells )
All right!
Let go!
( grunts )
( yells )
( blows )
( grunting )
( electrical rumbling )
COMPUTER: X-4 genome bacteria-induced
ater striders: 100/ mature.
Bacteria drop sites identified.
Pods no opening.
What are you doing?! No! No!
She's ruining everything.
Electrical malfunction. Hatchery door is disengaged.
Ah, l kne girls like you in high school.
Yeah? Did they do this?
Uh-huh, they did.
SlMMS: Mr. Banning, you must open the hatch manually.
Sod off.
COMPUTER: Manual hatch release required.
( grunting )
COMPUTER: Rotate valve counterclockise to open hatch.
( grunting )
( Banning yells )
( grunts )
Get off.
Bloody open!
COMPUTER: Manual procedure complete. Hatchery doors opening.
( macho grunt )
COMPUTER: Airborne striders aaiting queen release.
( grunts )
( techno music playing )
Hatchery doors opening.
Clark!
l mean, Jimmy, help me!
l'm busy.
( yells )
All mature striders ready for release.
Bacteria-laced microbes fully activated.
( grunts and groans )
( gagging )
His head's about to explode.
Look at him.
Look at him!
You might kno a fe tricks
but you're just a sad, pathetic man.
( gagging )
( puffing )
( yells )
( sizzling )
Smoking is bad for your health.
You okay?
Yeah, duh.
By the ay, nice going.
No millions of people are going to die of dehydration.
You left the hatch open.
( bugs buzzing )
They're not flying aay.
DEL: Yeah, hat are they aiting for?
They are aiting... to follo the queen.
COMPUTER: Airborne striders aaiting queen release.
DEL: Oh, my God. For once, you're right.
The queen is going to lead the striders
to freshater sites all over North America.
Quick, grab it before it's released.
Queen strider disengaged.
Alert! Queen strider disengaged.
( alarm blaring )
Let's go.
MAN: He's got the queen!
( screaming )
( grunts and groans )
Wait!
You dropped it.
( wings whirring )
( buzzing )
~ ~
( buzzing )
( whimpers )
( squeaky chittering )
( squeals )
Don't move!
( gasps )
( squeals )
( moans and squeals )
( grunts )
( giggling )
Oh!
( electronic rumble )
( loud buzzing )
O.
( bones cracking )
( yelling )
( yelling continues )
( yelling )
( gagging )
( water striders buzzing )
( gagging )
DEL: Sir, excuse me, l deserve to see this.
Ugh.
( alarms blaring )
Trouble.
( espionage theme plays )
( alarm continues )
Okay, okay, make hustle, ladies.
Let's go. Let's go.
Watch out, Aqua-Lung.
Hey, pal, nice suit.
lt's okay, kitten.
Everything's going to be all right.
lt is not okay.
You just decked the hero.
l-l'm a genius and l can testify for a piece of immunity.
Also, l'm from a neutral country...
Shut it.
Well, looks like e got here just in time.
Oh, to hat? Take credit?
Oh, you're hilarious, Blaine.
Winton Chalmers, CSA.
l spearheaded the operation that took don Deitrich Banning.
l bet you're Jimmy Tong.
Here's your tuxedo. You happy no?
Well, l ill be hen l get it safely back to headquarters.
By the ay, Blaine, not a bad job
for your first time in the field.
Well, l didn't do it alone.
She alays says nice things about me.
When you finally
do something right, you deserve the credit.
Well, sir
it's an honor to help
the United States of America.
l feel exactly the same ay, soldier.
You don't think you're going to be able to get aay
ith a bureaucratic pat on the butt, do you?
Well, l'm hoping to.
( agents laughing )
( grunts )
Ooh, man don, people.
Well... there is one thing you can do for me.
And that ould be?
STEENA: All right, tracking systems locked on.
Anybody scres up and your ass is mine.
Block off this end of the street.
AGENT: Roger that.
All right, e're at T minus 30 and counting.
ls everyone in position?
AGENT: Manhole agent up.
Floer lady, hot dog vendor, go.
Replace the hot dog vendor. Come on, hustle.
Let's go.
AGENT: This is Bird Three, the street is secure.
Uh-oh, bike messenger.
Hostile forces moving in. Go on, Randall, take him out.
AGENT: Roger. T-14 descending.
AGENT: Advance the lead operation vehicle.
Bring in the package as soon as l cross.
AGENT: Roger that.
Hustle, people.
The package is on the move.
All right, ladies and gentlemen, it's sho time.
Ho's our package?
l forget hat to say.
But you can do this.
Focus. Go.
Huh?
Go.
AGENT: Package dropped.
AGENT 2: Roger. Target locked.
Jimmy, hat do you say?
The name's Tong. James Tong.
l'm the man. l'm the man.
STEENA: Del, did you tell him to say that?
DEL: No. Well, sort of.
Oh, God.
DEVLlN: Come on, ladies, relax.
He's just pumping out pheromones.
Clark, shut up.
l do believe l'm in charge of this operation.
Package is locked on target.
Why did you ear those pants?
AGENT: He's stopping.
-What's he stopping for? -Why is he stopping?
DEVLlN: Use the door, Jimmy.
AGENT: He's really breathing heavy no.
AGENT 2: Have you seen her?
He's out of his league if you kno hat l mean.
Shh!
-He's like a hunter. -lt's the gallery oner.
Randall, quiet.
Nice.
Clark, please, ould you focus?
He's about to speak.
Open your mouth.
Hi.
-He said, ''Hi.'' -Hi.
That's the girl?
AGENT: He came up ith that on his on.
She's not that pretty.
STEENA: Jimmy, smile, come on.
DEVLlN: Move on to something else quick.
He doesn't look so good.
-Jimmy? Jimmy? -He doesn't look so good.
Clark, give him a line.
Steena, shut up.
-Just look deep into her eyes... -Clark, no.
That crap doesn't ork...
Looks like he's hyperventilating.
lf l remember rightly, it orked...
Don't listen to them. Listen to me.
l can't think ith you screaming in my ear.
Everybody calm don, all right?
Not you, her.
No, no, her, her.
Look deep into her eyes...
DEL: lt's me.
...and tell her you had a dream about her last night.
Clark, be quiet.
Del, ill you shut up?
-Uh... -( agents talking )
DEVLlN: l hate to say this, Jimmy
but don't take advice from omen about omen.
DEL: Shut up.
STEENA: Clark, you've been reassigned.
The voices are screaming in my ear.
DEL: Hey, if you can hear me
ipe that look off your face.
Remember me?
Hooters.
( agents groan )
Soul patch.
Okay, l'm going to have to ask you to leave.
l'm the love of my life...
DEVLlN: No, no! No, no!
You're the love of my life.
No, you never tell them you love them, Jimmy.
Can you have... dinner ith me?
Get out.
Pretty sure he craps his pants, people.
l just ant to have dinner.
Get out no.
-Lunch? -No!
Oh!
STEENA: All right, e're terminating this mission.
Pack it up and roll home.
l think l ble it, Mr. Devlin.
Jimmy, l rote the book on this stuff.
Trust me, you didn't blo it. You outgre her.
Maybe.
Tell you hat. Take the eekend off.
First thing Monday morning,
e'll head for somehere ith more interesting prospects.
Ho about Monte Carlo?
Sounds good.
Thanks, Mr. Devlin.
Thanks, everybody.
AGENT: lt's okay, Jimmy.
AGENT 2: Hang in there.
AGENT 3: Next time.
Well, if you ere trying to get her to notice you
mission accomplished.
What are you planning for the second date?
Running at her ith a knife?
lt's difficult for me.
What is so hard?
You just have to say something like...
''Excuse me, you ant to go get some coffee?''
When l around beautiful omen, l can't talk.
Sure. Beautiful omen.
You kno, a real knockout.
Like the beautiful lady in the gallery.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
What's rong?
Nothing.
What?
You can't tell ho l feel?
You look sad.
No.
Sick?
No.
Constipated?
No.
A little.
Tell me, hat's rong?
lt's just no guy ould ever do anything for me
like hat you did for her.
Or tried to do.
You kno hy?
Because you are a pain in the butt.
Yeah, nice orking ith you, too.
Hello.
Delilah, excuse me.
You ant to have a coffee?
l only drink organic green tea.
( imitates buzzer )
Wrong anser.
You're never going to have a boyfriend.
Fine.
Coffee. l love coffee.
You learn quick.
ls that your happy face or your horny face?
l tell you later.
( James Browns Get Up begins )
Get up
Getty-get, get-get-get get on up
Get on up
Get up no
Getty-get, get-get-get...
James. James...
Tong...
( giggling )
Get-get-get get on up...
Cut.
Get up no
Getty-get, get-get-get on up
Oh...
Couldn't tell you hat l'm about to say.
( grunting )
Purse!
( crew laughs )
Cut.
l'm sorry.
Huh?
( laughing )
The bird hit the guy.
Huh?
WOMAN: ls this a bunch of crap.
ls this a bunch crap?
Bunch of crap.
Okay.
You think l'm speak very good English, huh?
What's in your head, flies out your mouth.
What's in your head, fly from your mouth.
What's in your mouth...
That's okay. Cut.
No onder.
This is hy you don't have a boyfriend.
That's...
( laughter )
That's... thought...
Frog?
Fraud.
( giggling )
Look at...
Look at her ugly face.
Every time l look...
Every time, she just like this.
Ho can l act?
-Can e do a single on me? -No.
Action!
Aah...
No, no, no.
Cut! Cut!
( grunting )
Let's follo 'em. They'll take us to the lab.
Who?
( giggling )
Let's...
( laughing )
Cut.
l got the happy partner over here.
Jimmy.
What do you...?
( laughing )
( crew laughing )
She smile the hole movie.
Waste of film, aste of time.
What is she doing?
Hit me!
Oh, no!
You're fast.
But l'm faster.
Good God!
( espionage-flavored techno-pop theme playing )
Captioning sponsored by DREAMWORKS PlCTURES